Tactic #1. Make Feelings Measurable: Sometimes you can make intangible goals tangible by converting them to measurable milestones. "Get my husband home by 7:00 every night" is more measurable then "Reform my husband," although perhaps no easier to accomplish! Other goals must remain intangible, but are still important. But always try to attach measurable outcomes or indicators to every goal, regardless of how intangible or emotional the goal may be.
If all else fails, you can say, "I want to feel at least 50 ? percent better about my husband's overworking by the end of next month or I'm outta here." That quantifies your feelings by making it easier to think about how to achieve your emotional goal.
Tactic # 2 The Why Question: One way to get at underlying interests is to ask yourself the "why" question that was mentioned in chapter 3. Why do you want a particular objective? For example, do you need a car to get to work, or do you want a particular model to show people that you are successful? Are you looking for a house in a particular section of town because it is a better neighborhood, or do you need a larger house because your family is expanding? And why do you want to live in a particular section of town?
To use this surfacing tactic to explore your underlying interests, write as many sentences as possible beginning, "Why do I want?" Then answer them ? possibly with another question in the same form. Eventually you'll hit bedrock ? when you can't ask another question ? and then you'll truly understand your underlying interests.
Tactic # 3 Probe for Insight: Ask value-free, informational questions to find out what the other party's underlying needs are. Avo ...